Thanksgiving morning I was determined to get my workout done, prep the turkey and finish all the things I needed to finish (early), so we could truly be just ‘chillin’ on Thanksgiving day. I was about 15 minutes into my bike ride when I received a text from my mom…..
“Kim has passed. I didn’t want to call you at 5 am. Love you.”
My heart sank….. we all knew this was coming but then it actually came…..
I proceeded to finish my workout, as I didn’t know what else I could do…. I have always been good at solving problems. But not being able to solve a problem, that is a fear of mine. The fear of seeing someone hurting and not knowing what to do to fix it. I fix things. That is what I do. I find a solution to a problem and I do everything in my power to fix it… This, I couldn’t fix.
Thanksgiving has a new meaning to me. As I met with my sister that day, then saw my mom and dad at my uncles house….I knew it was it. I knew I couldn’t fix this….but I knew, and I now know, that there are things I can fix and will work on fixing…..
Everyone handles grief their own way. We all do one thing or another to get through. Some of us show more strength than others, but some also hide the pain really well. We all are in our own walks and we all have to learn to be compassionate about how everyone else is handling it. I do not have the ‘secret’ to handle grief. I have seen death far too much…..My family has seen a lot of death….but one thing I know, is that the more we can understand each other, the more we can help each other through a time such as this. Not trying to make the pain go away for someone, but to just listen and be a shoulder, or a call or text message away for someone.
When my mom and dad, sister and brothers came over for Thanksgiving, I was honestly nervous that it would be a ‘weird’ dinner…..I mean, we just had a death in the family….but there was a lot of joy and thankfulness to be shared. We were ‘dealing’ with it by loving each other. And that was beautiful to see.
We talked about what had happened and we all were there for each other. It was hard for me though….because this event, losing my uncle, put a lot in perspective for me. It made my parents mortality real….. I know they won’t live forever…..but this made that truth real. Seeing my cousin’s lose their dad….made me realize that I could lose mine….
So where do we go from here?
Obviously we can’t focus on what ‘could’ happen and even what we know ‘will’ happen eventually. We have to set our sights on what we can do right now, in this moment. We can’t change other people and we can’t cure cancer….. but we can work on ourselves and love others.
I don’t know what is going to happen next in anyone of my family members lives….but I can tell you this, I am going to love them like there is no tomorrow.
I called my mom tonight to see how she was doing. I can’t imagine losing one of my brothers and here I am asking her how she is doing. My mom is strong…..and she has been through a lot in her lifetime. I could tell by her voice that she was doing okay, all things considered…..
So now, I am sitting here, reflecting on life, death and everything in between…..
A few years ago I went through a moment where I had a fear that if my husband died, did I know everything that he had meant to tell me? Or if I died, did I tell him everything I meant to tell him? Or did I tell my kids how much they meant to me and how they saved my life? In that moment, I decided to not allow those thoughts. To always say what I mean, and not hold back….If I wanted to tell my son how I was depressed and suicidal UNTIL I became pregnant with him….that God saved my life through him….I was going to tell him, no matter what…. If I need to confess something to my husband, I would just do it…I wasn’t going to hold back…. And that I was going to tell my daughter about the truths that she may face as she becomes a women….I was going to do it….
Why am I telling you this?
I want you to not have regret…. We can’t live our lives in regret. And if a loved one is gone and you weren’t able to tell them something, or ask them something…. do it now. Write it in your journal as though you are talking to them face to face. Don’t let it eat you up inside. It just isn’t worth it.
And if you are reading this and your daughter is sitting next to you….give her a hug and ask her if there is anything you can do for her….. help her to see that you love her.
Again….we all handle grief differently, and I am definitely not an expert. I could sit here all night saying all things I wish I could have told my uncle before he died…..but I am not going to put myself through that pain. What I am going to do is tell you that he was a great man, and that he was like a second father to me growing up. And right now, I get to wear a ring he made for my grandma…. so I can remember him and my grandma….every day.
I would love for you to hear more about my uncle….here is a great overview of his life. He was a great man that will be missed. https://www.darlingtonfunerals.com/notices/Kim-Schwegel
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